BLOG IN YOUR FACE

I took my parents out to eat at a really nice pizza place here in Omaha for their 35th wedding anniversary. I am a grown man and I honestly could not think of any other word to describe my parents other than “Cute.”

Seriously, after 35 years they still love each other so much, and perfectly compliment each other like antacid and burritos. Their relationship is like chewing on a piece of gum that never loses it’s flavor.

As the three week mark approaches (until my wedding), I pray my brains out every night that my love for Jaci is sustainable like that of my father’s love for my mother. To be reminded that there soulmates are the perfect accessory to life was well worth the 45 dollars that I spent on a meal for two wonderful people.

The Logic of Two Brothers

Two good old boys from Louisiana, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says,

‘You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.’ Thibodeaux thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Boudreaux goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

‘Logic’ Boudreaux says. ‘What’s that?’

The dean says, ‘I’ll show you. Do you own a weed eater?’

‘Yeah’

‘Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.’

‘That’s true, I do have a yard.’

‘I’m not done,’ the dean says. ‘Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.’

‘Yes, I do have a house.’

‘And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.’

‘I have a family.’

‘I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.’

‘Yes, I do have a wife.’

‘And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.’

‘I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.’

Excited to take the class now, Boudreaux shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Thibodeaux at the bar. He
tells Thibodeaux about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

‘Logic’ Thibodeaux says, ‘What’s that?’

Boudreaux says, ‘I’ll show you. Do you have a weed eater?’

‘No.’

‘Then you’re a queer.’

Don’t Pee Through the Fence

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

Unfortunately, there’s a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her…. ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag …

‘Oh, really? Darn!’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!’

‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money?’ You didn’t steal it, did you?’

‘Oh, no’, says the little old lady. ‘You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!’

‘So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or off it comes.’

‘Well, that seems only fair.’ laughs the cop. ‘OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?’

‘Well’, says the little old lady, ‘not everybody pays.’

Preacher and the Mower

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

‘How much do you want for the mower?’ asked the preacher.

‘I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,’ said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?’ The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, ‘Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.’

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, ‘I can’t get this mower to start.’

The little boy said, ‘That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.’

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t even remember how to cuss.

The little boy looked at him happily and said, ‘You just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to ya.’

Think you are a pretty open minded person? I challenge you to view the Chinese delicatessens below and to keep an open mind throughout all 17 pictures. Your first instinct may be to say “EWWWW…[squeal] that is, like, sooooo  GROSS!”

But just think if you were raised here in China. You wouldn’t even bat an eyelash as you strolled through this marketplace. If you have ever eaten Shrimp or a Hot Dog, you can’t very well justify getting squeamish about the following pictures.

Take this little exercise well beyond my blog and apply it to your everyday encounters with other cultures. Don’t be so quick to judge people by what they eat, what they wear, how they talk, etc. Remember that Americans too are looked at in disgust by other cultures and races for some of our disgusting and wretched habits. This country of ours is going to be a melting pot with Whites as a minority within the next 35 years. It is time that we start accepting the habits of other cultures, or at least trying our damnedest to be tolerant of them.

So if I understand this correctly:

The “Silent Generation” consists of everyone who was born before 1946.

The “Baby Boomers” consist of all of those born between 1946 and 1959-ish.

“Generation X” are those of use born between 1960 and 1979-ish

And then there is “Generation Y.” Why do they call it that? Well, the caricaturist who drew the picture below has his own theory:

 I’ve gotta admit, when it comes to amenities in the workplace, I’ve got it pretty darn good. I work on the 14th floor of a 19 story building made almost entirely out of glass. The middle of the building is hollow (atrium style) and the natural light is incredible. We’ve got a state of the art fitness center with hundreds of machines and thousands of free weights. We’ve got our own post office, dry cleaners, doctor’s office and pharmacy. Each floor is equipped with two large coffee bars and an incredible lunch room fully fitted with vending machines, industrial size refrigerators, filtered water machines and dishwashers. We have recycling bins everywhere you turn.

The cafeteria is absolutely incredible and has simply world class food from sub sandwiches, Mexican cuisine, salad bar, grill, Asian cuisine and on and on! We have 8 elevators. We’ve got an underground tunnel connected to a parking ramp.

Our cubicles are fairly small but are equipped with state of the art computers, plenty of drawer space and desks that raise up and down with hydraulics so that we can stand up and work for short periods of time if we feel like it. We have 250 dollar ergonomic chairs that adjust in 7 different ways for ultimate customization and comfort. We have conference rooms with state of the art presentation technology.

Security is very electronically advanced. We have the best printers and fax machines money can buy. We’ve got a 2 story T.V. in the lobby and a wonderful gift shop. From my office I have an incredible view of West Omaha.  

Nope…I really can’t complain about my place of work. But the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence! Somebody always seems to work somewhere cooler than where you work. Check out some of these shots from the offices at Google! As happy as I am where I work, these pictures make me pretty jealous!

 

Why they need a decompression capsule, I’m not sure, but apparently this one above is impermeable to sound and light.

A slide at work?? SWEET!

A couch made out of a giant pillow and a canoe? NICE!

Employees can supposedly take their personal computers to this internal repair shop and have them fixed why they sip on a cup of Joe.

Not a bad desk set up, huh? And judging by the clothes the guy on the left is wearing, it looks as though there is hardly a strict dress code.

Nice looking cafeteria

OK, if this was my break room I would never get any work done.

 
Little privacy cabins to attend to personal matters.

Massage rooms?

Relaxation rooms fit with massage chairs and aquariums.

What a library!

Anybody else work in an office this stellar???

More People That Didn’t Qualify For the Olympics

I hope my Asian readers have a sense of humor with this one:

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy. 

‘Congratulations,’ says the nurse to the new parents. ‘Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?’

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, ‘Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, so I think we will name him…

Sum Ting Wong

I think I first saw this attempted on Trent Hamm’s Blog, The Simple Dollar , and I have stumbled across a similar attempt on a few other blogs, most recently Melissa’s. It’s simple, really: Come up with 101 things that you want to accomplish within the next 1001 days. The Shrink I see doesn’t like it when I make lists because she feels like I put to much pressure on myself to complete them and when I don’t, I beat myself up too much.

I’ll admit, I like to make lists. But I want this one to be different. I don’t want this to be a mandatory thing. These are things that I would like  to accomplish before May 22nd 2011. I am going to be reasonable with myself. It’s not like my life will be unfulfilled if I don’t accomplish a single one of these things. My life is already great and I am blessed far beyond what I deserve. If anything, this has simply been a good reflection exercise for me.

So here they are in absolutely no particular order. We’ll see what happens.

1) 30 books everyone should read before their 30th birthday - I have read quite a few of them but I am considering trying to read all  of them for good measure. All the ones I have already read were great books anyway, so it can’t hurt.

2) Get my Mini Blog count to 400 - I started the Mini Blog section to document my random thoughts which I have tons of and I don’t put them out there nearly as often as I want too.

3) Plant a tree - I need to do some research but I would love an Apple Tree in my back yard.

4) Learn to sew a button on.

5) Eat a Kobe beef hamburger - I hear they cost like 60 dollars but I have just GOT  to try one. I love a good burger more than I love a good steak and Kobe beef is the best.

6) Take a Spanish class at the community college here - I have lost over 50 percent of the 5 years worth of Spanish that I have taken. Learning Spanish was so fulfilling for me.

7) Go to at least one more O.A.R. concert - My favorite band of all time. I have already seen them live 8 times, but they never get old.

8 ) Run a marathon- Jaci and I are already training for a half marathon on October 18th. I really think I can do this. If I can, it will be the biggest middle finger to Big Tobacco, ever! I quit smoking less than a year ago…

9) Be able to bench press my weight 3 times in a row - I have been so focused on my half marathon training that I have completely neglected the amazing weight facilities at my corporate gym. I am going to get off the treadmill every once and awhile and work on getting buff.

10) Have six pack abs - Once again, all this running lately but I haven’t hardly done any work on developing a washboard!

11) Try at least 10 beers that I have never had before.

12) Write a guest post for a blog that is bigger than mine - finding a blog that is more popular than mine should not be hard. Convincing them to let me write one of my stupid ramblings may be a little tough…

13) Get another tattoo - I have two as it is, but they are more addicting than Black Tar heroin.

14) Buy a sweet laptop to replace my antique desktop - I have already promised myself this if I complete the half marathon.

15) Remodel a room in my house - includes at least new carpet, paint and crown molding.

16) Visit my buddy Puddin’ in Panama City for Spring Break.

17) Become a ChaCha guideperson- If you haven’t already heard of this service on your cell phone it is awesome and completely free. Just text it any question you want and a real person answers you. My sister became a guide (the person that answers the queries) and she loves it. Plus they get paid 10-20 cents per text that they answer.

18) Go one month without drinking alcohol - I haven’t done this since I was 16 years old. Literally (and pathetically).

19) Make a big ‘ol turkey for Thanksgiving.

20) Write a short story.

21) Go to one of the gay bars in town.

22) Replace the cruddy landscaping rock around my house- There are weeds galore growing out of all of my rock gardens and it looks atrocious!

23) Get Jaci a whirlpool-type bathtub and attempt to install it myself - And then when I miserably fail to do so, call a plumber and have him clean up my mess.

24) Go to a football game with my father-in-law.

25) See a baseball game in the new Twins baseball stadium.

26) Make my student loans 3/4 of what they are now -  Right now I owe $29,299. That means I am going to try and get them down in the ballpark of $21,974.

27) Go to a little league baseball game.

28) Get a nice road bike- If any of you read about my horrendous experience on the 45 mile bike ride and how slow my piece of crap bike is, then I hope you understand my desire for an upgrade.

29) Complete the hot wing challenge at Buffalo Wild Wings - You get your name on a plaque if you eat 12 of their absolute hottest wings in 6 minutes. I think I could murder this challenge.

30) Get Microsoft Office certified - I know that the community college around here offers classes to get people well rounded in all the major Microsoft Office programs. Someday this will very  necessary if I want to go over to the dark side and get into management at work!

31) Visit my friend Quintin’s grave and leave something nice there - My buddy that I bowled with in a league for 6 years passed away on his motorcycle. I miss him dearly and haven’t been back to my hometown in awhile to visit him.

32) Do something active for the Green Party - I have donated money many times but have never taken advantage of the many opportunities to spread the word about this WONDERFUL third party.

33) Bake a cake.

34) Go to the dentist- I haven’t been to the dentist since 2003. I brush, floss and rinse on a very strict regimen, but I am scared of the actual dentist.

35) Take my parents out to eat at a nice restaurant.

36) Get the front end of my truck aligned- I am scared how much this will cost, but the grease monkey that I trust a lot told me that I desperately need to or my brand spankin’ new tires are not going to last near as long.

37) Karaoke R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World As We Know It” or Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

38) See a Podiatrist about my feet- I have extremely flat feet and I need to get some orthotics made for myself or my ankles are going to give out by the time I’m 30.

39) Shoot a handgun.

40) Smoke 5 different cigars.

41) Take one day and eat as many hot dogs as I want to - As some of you know, I ritualistically eat two hot dogs a day. Usually when I get home from work at night, but sometimes for lunch. They never get old. Jaci refuses to buy me all beef hot dogs though because they are too expensive and I go through too many. Someday I am going to treat myself and buy about 3 packs of all beef hot dogs and just eat them for breakfast lunch and dinner.

42) Make Jaci a very elaborate Valentine card with construction paper, etc.

43) Watch an entire season of a sitcom, never missing an episode - I have worked 2nd shift for the last couple of years and I miss out on all of the good T.V. After Labor Day I move to the 10 A.M. to 6 P.M. shift and I plan on playing catch up. I have a few in mind, maybe Grey’s Anatomy, Extreme Home Makeover,  or Iron Chef America.Who Knows. I just miss getting into a T.V. series and having that routine with Jaci where we cuddle up every week and watch our favorite show.

44) Help my Dad stain his deck.

45) Be a vegetarian for a month.

46) Watch at least 5 movies from my buddy Brandon’s collection- He is a really big movie buff and he can’t believe some of the movies that I haven’t seen. He is always quoting them or making reference to them when we are out having a couple of beers and I never have any idea what the hell he is talking about.

47) Go to a Minnesota Vikings game- Haven’t been to one since Jaci took me there for my birthday a couple of years ago for the home opener. I haven’t got to see Adrian Peterson in person, yet.

48) Completely clean and detail the inside of Jaci’s car- And I want it to be a surprise. She has such a tough time keeping that thing clean and it can get pretty skanky in there sometimes.

49) Make a giant pot of chili.

50) Play an entire Bob Dylan song on my guitar- I always learn the chorus or intro and then get bored with it and move on to another. I want to be consistent and learn to play a song beginning to end.

51) Write a small book of original poems - Nothing fancy, just in a binder or something.

52) Get a massage at the massage school in town - only 15 bucks and I could ALWAYS use one.

53) Put gutter guards on my gutter - I need to put those screens across the top because I learned really quickly this summer that cleaning gutters sucks.

54) Find one of those “tractor sprinklers” that follows the hose around the yard.

55) Learn to like Onions - They are in almost everything. I like the taste of onions but it is the texture. It feels like I am biting into knee cartilage. I pass up on a lot of dishes because of onions in them. Over the 4th of July I was dared to eat a hot dog in separate parts so I ate the bun first, then the dog, then a spoonful of onions and then squirted a bunch of ketchup in my mouth. I almost threw up all four parts of the hot dog and the alcohol that I had been ingesting throughout the day.

56) Volunteer at the Special Olympics - Jaci does this every year and I plan to join her.

57) Read a book on how to pray better - I have never really been good at praying. As I have gotten older I do it more often than ever, but I am just not good at it! I know that God hears all of our prayers whether we stumble through them or not, but I would like to do it better, plain and simple.

58) Learn a little Yoga or Tai Chi - possibly buy a DVD or maybe even take a class. I want to continue to learn new things all of the time in dealing with my anxiety.

59) Have a rummage sale.

60) Have a block party at my house.

61) Grow some type of vegetable in my back yard - Maybe Jalapenos??

62) Go to Vala’s Pumpkin Patch around Halloween - Jaci and I did this one time and it was SO FUN! They had corn mazes, apple sling shotting, pig races, hay rides, carmel apples, spook houses and tons more.

63) Finish the Chronicles of Narnia  books - I have been stuck on the 7th one for awhile now that wedding planning has taken over.

64) Take the wood paneling off the walls in the basement (Man-Cave) - It is straight out of the Seventies and looks tacky as heck.

65) Make some homemade Macaroni and Cheese - the kind you bake in the oven with real cheddar cheese and condensed milk.

66) Get a set of my own darts AND finish a game of “Cut Throat” cricket in 12 rounds or less - I am sick of using bar darts.

67) Go back to Vermillion, SD to my Alma Mater and visit my fraternity at least twice.

68) Go for a ride-along with my buddy Tim who is a police officer.

69) Create a Face Book profile - It seems like everyone is on there these days and here I am apparently  out of the loop with my “lame” MySpace profile.

70) Update my satellite radio receiver - I have an extremely old model with barely any bells and whistles.

71) Shoot 5 under par at Seymour Smith Park - This is my favorite disc golf course and my record round is 4 under par.

72) Ride in at least one leg of the Ragbrii race - The annual bike race across the state of Iowa.

73) Paint Jaci’s toenails.

74) Memorize 5 Bible verses that I haven’t already.

75) Call in sick to work without actually being sick one day.

76) Get a Nebraska Driver’s License - I have lived here quite awhile now and I should probably lose my Iowa license. I think I might even be a felon right now.

77) Buy my nephew a bee bee gun and teach him how to use it safely - Every kid should have one. Mine gave me years of entertainment and not ONE injury!

78) Set up Jaci’s hammock for her - It is still laying dormant in it’s box. We have two trees in the backyard that are a little far apart but I think I could rig it to work with the hammock. This would be another surprise for her.

79) Fix the shorted out speaker in my truck or get it replaced - It is the front passenger speaker and it buzzes and rattles. It kills me because I like to listen to my music LOUD!

80) Splurge at least one time and buy the really expensive toilet paper - Preferably when I don’t have a stomach virus and go through 6 rolls in 2 days.

81) Take inventory of our house items for insurance purposes - Our insurance agent suggests we take pictures of all of the stuff we own and then put them on a CD and store them in a safety deposit box. Jaci and I have been in our house for 6 months and have yet to do so!

82) Visit my sister in New Orleans and eat as much seafood as I want - In February during Mardi Gras this year I ate a corn dog from a street vendor and got food poisoning. It totally ruined the gluttony that I had looked forward to.

83) Get a base hit in a slow pitch softball game - Now that I am part of the family, I will be able to play in the slow pitch softball tournament in Jaci’s hometown every year on her family’s team. The only problem is I can’t  hit a ball that is pitched like that. Better start going to the batting cages…

84) Buy the most expensive coffee I can find, once - I always get the generic coffee which is OK but again, I would like to splurge a little sometimes.

85) Learn what it feels like to not eat for 24 hours - I have a feeling this will lead to something big. Something life changing. Some volunteering downtown or child sponsoring programs or something. I might re-think my tendency to be gluttonous.

86) Learn how to swim in a lap pool - My swimming is and always has been horrible. There is the slightest itch in the back of my mind to try and complete a triathlon someday. This would require me to be able to swim at least one lap in a pool, I suppose.

87) Leave a love letter on Jaci’s windshield at her work.

88) Put together a model car…entirely - This is kind of like my guitar playing. I always start but never quite finish before I buy a new model out of boredom.

89) Buy a couple of saw horses - I am thinking about redoing the trim work in my house and painting some of the doors. This would require some saw horses, I suppose, so I can set up shop out in the garage.

90) Start a diary about Jaci - I plan to record our special moments and instances when she blows my mind. I will prepare this diary in secret and hopefully present it to her on our 10 year anniversary. I hope to begin this project on the day of our wedding.

91) Try Acupuncture - I saw a special on this ancient Chinese medicine during the Olympics and I would love to see if it really works.

92) Make a homemade chocolate malt.

93) Start taking the bus again now that my new hours at work will allow it.

94) Play on 6 different disc golf courses.

95) Find a kind of wine that I actually like - Ever since that night in college when I thought it would be a good idea to do box wine stands, I haven’t been able to stomach any kind of wine. I hope to find a very sweet kind that doesn’t taste like vinegar.

96) Learn to clip Annie’s (my dog) toenails without being scared of hurting her.

97) Get my butt waxed or convince Jaci to do it - I have a legeitimate reason for this but I am not going to get into it here.

98) Replace all the incandescent bulbs in my house with CFLs.

99) Make a bird feeder.

100) Play 30 dollars at a Black Jack table.

101) Make 10 free throws in a row.

I had better get busy. May 22, 2011 will be here before I know it.

People that just barely missed the Olympics

This is why you don’t show off.

My buddy Dave from The Other Side of the Radio  wrote in with his very own Really Really Really Easy Meal! I was so excited that someone besides my girlfriend actually wanted to do a guest post on here that I nearly SHAT MYSELF! But here is Dave’s twist on the classic “Sloppy Joe” sandwich:

Brown 1 pound of ground beef and mix in taco seasoning.

Add a few hefty scoops of salsa and mix in.

Cover with a layer of cheese and mix in.

Scoop on to hamburger buns and top with sour cream.

Makes 6-8 sandwiches.

Here is what I have to say:

Al parecer, sería bueno con unos jalapeños y guacamole. Tendría metano salir de mi culo!

I got some really good looking cucumbers the other day and I finally got around to making something with them today. Now, as some of you know, I am a really big fan of leftovers. Part of the reason being that I don’t like change very much and the other part being that I like to save money. So, of course with this meal I went and made a S#%TLOAD of it that will last me the whole weekend.

First, chef Andy makes about 2 cups of pasta. Then he cuts up a HUGE cucumber into small little chunks and makes his dog hide under kitchen table because of loud cutting board/knife noises. Then he makes two big chicken breasts and slices those babies up, too. He mixes those three ingredients together and adds mayonnaise, salt, pepper and minced onion (optional).

Chef Andy pats himself on the back for making a pretty damn good cucumber/chicken salad of sorts.

A girl that I have worked with in my department for quite some time left today to go to Human Resources. The very last line of her farewell let to me was very inspiring so I thought I would share it with ya’ll:

“Don’t let People, Problems, & the Pain of your Past Pause your Present, Punish your Person, Prison your Potential, & Paralyze your Progress. I will begin walking boldly into my future and not allow others to hold me back”

Apparently it is a quote from Angela Davis, the Civil Rights Feminist lady who was also an American Socialist and a Black Panther. She was also tried for her involvement in the murder of a judge, but was acquitted.

Anyway, I just liked the quote.

Why Women Stay Single

I wasn’t even going to write a post about this until someone actually said they were excited to hear about it! On Sunday I rode with my buddy in a corporate biking challenge. The original course was suppose to be 42 miles, but for some reason it was extended to 45. I think it may have had something to do with construction or something, I don’t know.

I wasn’t worried about the distance. I wasn’t worried about making it there by 7 A.M. I wasn’t worried that it would be too hot. I didn’t fret about hydration issues. I didn’t worry that my bike is from Wal-Mart (a.k.a. pretty much the cycling equivalent of scrap metal tied together with cheap plastic) and takes an act of Congress to change gears. I didn’t worry that everyone else was going to show up on fancy road bikes and here I would be on a lame excuse for a mountain bike. I only worried and fretted about one  thing and for once in my life my worrying was completely and ABSOLUTELY justified. Yes, the only thing I was worried about was my butt.

I even went and bought a gel seat earlier in the week to settle my nerves. Let me just tell you: As my Grandpa would say, that gel seat did about as much good as tits on a boar.

OH…MY…GOD

Sorry, God you have nothing to do with this. Let me start over.

OH…MY…BUTT!

About mile 20 it started hurting. At 25 it was literally throbbing…like PULSATING! Between miles 30 and the finish I made every excuse not to even sit at all. If this is what prostate cancer or a long prison term feels like, you can count me out of both of those, Thank You Very Much. I think I might want to take a break from the bike because my honeymoon is coming up and well, I would hate to have any performance hindering side effects as a result of direct pressure to the area between my nether regions and my butt.

Ugh…why is it that every single one of my posts starts off with good intentions but manages to end up talking exclusively about my ass.

 Anyway, every other aspect of the bike ride went well. It was a gorgeous  day outside and there was free food offered by my work at the beginning and more free food at the halfway point. With about a 45 minute break midway, the whole ride took me about 4 hours. That’s dang near 14 miles an hour over a course with rolling hills, so I can’t complain about that. I suppose it was worth my noticeably wide stance and a sore butt, afterall.

It takes a lot to spit that word out when it is in the same sentence as “I’m going to be.”

Wow. MARRIED!

 Did you know that in the United Kingdom it is illegal to marry your deceased wife’s sister?

All useless trivia aside, I felt the need to have a discussion with myself now that we are approaching September 20th with gazelle-like speed. Where am I at? No, I don’t mean in the basement (Man-Cave) on a Monday night with the muffled sounds of Iron Chef America in the back corner and my dog snoring peacefully. I’m not talking the present tense and I’m not talking about the physical. I need to commence this discussion with myself by asking myself: “Self, where are  you at with all of this?”

Are you scared?

No. I mean, when I think of scared I think of distress. I’m not distressed. I don’t feel a sense of doom impending itself upon me in the shape of a white puffy dress with a hot little blond inside of it. I don’t see any evil in the institution of marriage. I don’t anticipate any physical pain and I don’t associate the day of my wedding with anything that will hurt besides the potential for a drunken stumble at some point late in the evening. I suppose fear can also mean a state of reverence toward something. Like God. But, I’m not in awe when I think of getting married. People get married every single day. It’s not something that is breathtaking and worthy of me being astounded by it. So, the answer is NO. I’m not scared.

Are you happy?

I am far from insensitive, but I’ve got to admit: I don’t think “happy” is a good word to describe “where I’m at.” To be happy is to be in a place of delight…to experience waves of pleasure and joy. To be happy means to feel fulfilled and floating in a perfect mix of satisfaction and rapture. Is that really where I’m at? Am I at “HAPPY?” To me, true happiness comes much later in life, because I think true happiness takes a lifetime of reflection upon our experiences and what they meant to us then and more importantly now. Nope, I don’t think “happy” is where I’m at.

Honestly and surprisingly enough, the simplest way that I can describe where I am at is to just say that I am NOWHERE.  And for someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder like myself, that realization would normally cause panic and chaos of the highest magnitude. But this time it is different…or should I say indifferent. Yes, I do believe I should…

I am about as indifferent about my upcoming wedding as any groom could possibly be. I’ve just plain stopped caring about that day. I had an “Ah-HA!” moment recently and I told myself this (brace yourself for a run-on sentence): On September 20th if the flowers die, the bridesmaid dresses tear down the backside, the groomsmens’ suits get mustard stains on them, the party bus fails to pick us up from church, the photographer gets West Nile and doesn’t show, I poop my pants, Jaci cries off her water proof mascara, the ring bearer accidentally swallows the rings, the flower girl dumps the pedals in the toilet, the pastor mispronounces our names, the soloist gets laryngitis, the chicken cordon bleu at the reception gets eaten by a pack of wild coyotes, someone spills thumb tacks on the dance floor, the government reinstates the eighteenth amendment and we are forced to toast with v-8 juice, the honeymoon suite with a jacuzzi turns out to be a guy named Bubba farting in a horse trough, my best man turns out to be a woman, my mother passes out from too many pulls off of a flask hidden behind the pew bible and everyone forgets to turn their cell phone off during the ceremony…well…frankly I just won’t give a damn.

My epiphany showed me that when it all comes down to it, only 1 minute during that day counts. 60 seconds or less. There is only one thing that actually matters. One thing that consumerism and capitalism have tried to take the spotlight off of since I first slipped a ridiculously overpriced engagement ring on that adorable little finger of hers. There is only ONE THING that has to take place 32 days from now and I wish I would have looked at this way from the beginning.

One Thing.

Our Vows.

God will be all ears for that one minute that we both make a promise to Him to love each other like He loves us. Years from now when Jaci is terminally ill, or our kids are diagnosed with ADHD (from their father’s side, of course) and it puts a strain on our marriage, or one of us gets laid off, we had damn well better remember that promise. Those vows reign supreme over any other aspect of a wedding ceremony. Those vows are the only thing we need to go right that day. Anything else that could possibly go wrong or haywire will be forgotten years from now. That is my explanation of why I am indifferent.

I’m not happy. I’m not scared. I’m nowhere. The fact that I am getting married in 32 days is not a justifiable reason to be ecstatic or  scared shitless. And there isn’t a single detail surrounding that day that is worth sweating over. All I need is God, Jaci and some generic words that make it official…and those three things are pretty much a given.

Young Chuck, moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’ Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’ Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’ The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’ Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’ Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck grew up and works for the government.

Warning: The following post deals with issues of gastronomical atrocities. Please avoid reading if you have recently eaten, or plan to eat in the near future.

I am sure you all have noticed my absence and have been worried sick about me (HARDY HAR HAR, Andy…good one), but I thought I would explain myself. Thursday night at work I got the worst gut ache of my life. Yes, even worse than the time I ate the corn dog at Mardi Gras and got food poisoning. Oh, this was bad…

It was about 8:30 P.M. and I was alone at work…like usual. Now, I must admit, there are many times when I pull a maneuver I like to call the “Thrilla in Manila”  where I stuff a manila envelope with papers and slide a Sports Illustrated  in the middle of it and make my way to the bathroom, where upon arrival I lock myself in a bathroom stall for 20 minutes or so with the manila envelope and read an article or two. 

This was not one of those times, believe me.

I ran like hell to the crapper and I was on there for over an hour. I thought my colon was going to turn itself inside out and I was going to pop a vital blood vessel in both of my eyes from the straining. Never before had I even had diarrhea CLOSE to that bad. Somehow, after a lot of praying and butt clenching I managed to make it home.

When I got home I decided I had better drink a little water since my body lost about half a gallon due to it’s sudden porcelain magnetization.

Oh boy…

About 30 minutes later I was barfing up the water and about every other thing my duodenum could hurl at the world. And this barfing was taking place in a garbage can that was sitting in front of me because I was already back at it on the crapper. This lasted nearly the entire night.

 The next morning I went to the Urgent Care Clinic and rolled around and moaned and groaned in their waiting room and on the examining table. They immediately referred me to the Emergency Room at the nearest hospital. I managed to drive myself there and was the fourth in line upon arrival.

First Person in Line - Some lady with SEVERE chest pains…she was wheeled off immediately.

Second Person in Line - Some lady coughing up blood…she was wheeled off immediately.

Third Person in Line - Some garbage man that got the tip of his finger chopped off and was bleeding BAD…he was wheeled off immediately.

Fourth Person in Line - Yours truly:

“Uh, yes…I have bad diarrhea and I have been barfing a lot…”

“Have a seat in the waiting room, please.”

“OK.”

So I sat there a long while until they could open up a [broom closet] room for me. To make matters worse I totally  had a DUDE nurse, which, nothing against nurses who are guys, but every man prays that he will get a hot nurse, and by every man I mean ME, and by ME, well…I am probably in the minority I guess.

Dude Nurse pumped me full of over a litter of fluids in a IV and dealt with my screaming after a complimentary arm wax (IV tape removal). I gave him a bright yellow pee sample for his troubles.

After I was released I went home and took a much needed nap. We had planned for months to go to Jaci’s hometown this weekend to visit her folks (Dad’s 50th birthday) and I wasn’t about to miss that on account of a disgruntled large intestine. Jaci was not happy that I insisted on making the 3 and a half hour drive just hours after my release from the hospital but I insisted. The diagnosis was a virus in my intestines and stomach. Colds are viruses. So the way I saw it, I had a cold in my butt. When I have a cold in my nose, I blow my nose and get on with my life. My plan was simply to blow the gunk out of my butt and get on with the trip just like I would with a head cold.

I learned to never underestimate an intestinal virus. They are far from the common cold.

We made it there just fine and I immediately went to bed after Jaci’s mother force fed me some Gatorade, which was a theme the whole weekend. Seconds after I hit their guest bed I felt an eruption coming on and I ended up sitting on the toilet for another hour before bed. Then, I had to wear what I call a “Man-pon” which is a device made of wadded up toilet paper similar to a tampon only for men. I put the wadded up toilet paper in between the Great Divide back there due to my weariness of possible leakage during the middle of the night.

I ended up having to change that Man-pon 3 times and my underwear once. Eww…

The next morning (Saturday), however, I was feeling great. I didn’t feel any nausea or stomach cramps whatsoever and I was full of health and vitality. The hospital had recommended that I go on the “BRAT” diet for 48 hours. BRAT stands for Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast. But hell, I felt so good that I didn’t exactly take that advice very seriously. Instead, I had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. For lunch? Well, I sort of followed doctor’s orders. I had a BRAT. That’s bratWURST. And not just any old bratwurst, but a Jalepeno and Cheese bratwurst. That evening at the bowling alley I topped off my first day of solid food eating with two pints of beer and two hot wings.

Andy, you’re just not very smart sometimes.

My intestines turned the days’ meals into a Cinnamon-Jalepeno-Chicken-Beer puree which took me to the bowling alley bathroom 7 times - count them, SEVEN - in the course of 2 hours. Lesson learned.

Moral of the Story: When you think that an intestinal virus has gone away just because you feel better, you will be painfully disappointed and your rectum will let you know by defying physics and quite literally lifting you inches off of the toilet seat, legs sticking straight out in front of you, SH#TING your Eff-ing brains out.

Yes Gentlemen, Doctors are annoying. Sometimes, so are nagging girlfriends, mothers and mother-in-laws. But if you ever get a gastro-intestinal virus, I can’t urge you enough to listen to EVERY…SINGLE…WORD that they say. I wish I had listened right from the get-go. It is Tuesday and I still haven’t had a solid bowel movement and I can’t hardly work up the appetite to eat one tiny meal a day. I have a feeling that when it is all said and done, this whole ordeal is going to have lasted over a week because I didn’t take care of myself from the beginning. And if my mother knew that I went and ran 6 miles on Sunday because I was stubborn and didn’t want to get out of step with my training schedule, she would kill me. And she would have every right to do so. And she reads this blog, so you can consider me a dead man.

But anyway, since I have been talking about pooping this whole time, I thought I could redeem myself by leaving you with a series of photos documenting a cute little Panda Bear growing up. Enjoy.

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

With all the wedding crap - er, I mean wedding preparations  - I have been doing lately, along with days filled with yardwork, disc golf, beer drinking, camping, cleaning, wedding-going-to-ing, half marathon training, praying for Jaci’s cousin Corey, preparing for fantasy football, planning my bachelor party, securing tickets for the Iowa Hawkeye season opener, reading Sports Illustrated, watching my Twins nearly sweep the White Sox and working, I don’t think I have picked up my Bible in over a month.

But, I saw this video about a week or so ago:

…and it made me want to dig into Deuteronomy for a little bit.

In 31:6, Moses is getting REALLY REALLY old so he decides to hand over the reigns to Joshua as leader of the Israelites.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Israelites are planning on crossing the Jordan river and it is kind of a big deal because there are some pretty hostile people on the other side. My favorite line of all is when he says:

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified…for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”

So what do Joshua and this little leaguer have in common? COURAGE!

Just think of all you can do if a little boy can play baseball with one leg. For me, part of my daily anxiety stems from being a wuss and letting people walk all over me because they know I am too nice to say “No” to them. It is amazing how quickly I become unassertive simply to avoid conflict. I think it is time for me to start stepping up to the plate (pun intended) like little Adam does and start taking control of my own destiny more often. Because I have been so busy with all the crap listed above, for me, the hardest part is simply remembering that God is there and that being courageous is not something we have to go at alone.