BLOG IN YOUR FACE

If any of you are into literature, then you are familiar with the writing technique called “Stream of Consciousness” (S.O.C.) writing. It is basically when a writer puts to paper the first thoughts that come to his mind, not stopping much to include punctuation or worry about sentence structure. One example that I can think of comes from James Joyce’s book Ulysses  where S.O.C writing is all over the fricking place. The last words of the book come to mind when a character named Molly Bloom is talking about Leopold and the very first moment that she finds out she is in love with him:

“…I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.”

So, instead of just writing a post about my Fourth of July weekend, which I was going to do, I thought I would give S.O.C. writing a shot. So here you go:

Thursday evening WORK! will it ever be 10 o’clock? Tick tock take a break, try to stay awake…only 8 P.M come ON! Too excited for work, too excited for 3 day weekend to get here…been sober too long just want to go have a beer to kick things off HOORAY! I read an old Sports Illustrated  to pass the time and now it’s 10 P.M…actually 9:50 but who’s counting? Get on elevator SORRY security guard guy, no time to talk, I am outta here I’ve got drinking to do. Get home. My buddy is in town, other buddy comes over and we are off to the Sean O’Casey’s pub…MMmmm 15 beers on tap…corn beef and cabbage sounds good…no, on second thought, just beer, I have hot dogs at home. Black and Tan? No, straight Guinness will do. 7 dollar pitchers are you fu*king kidding me? Oh well, no work tomorrow. Special occasion. Drink until closing time hanging out in an over sized booth with my best friends. Bartender has a handlebar moustache. I want one. He gives us free beers at closing time if we promise to chug them with him while he does the Charleston  dance outside the booth. Time to go after chugging. Evidently it is time to puke up the beer I just chugged all over the parking lot. No worries, at least I feel less bloated. Tony drives home. Probably shouldn’t have. Oh well. Only 5 blocks. Got home HEY! I’VE GOT AN IDEA! Reverse Mohawk. That looks funny. Take a picture with your camera phone. OK, now shave my head so that I only have a ring on the outside and bald on top. OK, take more pictures. I’m close to passing out. Brandon takes more pictures of me. HAHA, funny guy in underwear with self-inflicted male pattern baldness. Harms leaves. Tony sleeps in backyard. 4:30 A.M. 13 year olds setting off fireworks across the street. Not happy. Get up. Walk over. SHUT UP! Doesn’t do any good. Call cops. Go back to bed. Rise and shine!!! It’s 8 A.M. and I need to mow the lawn. Neighbor Doug is outside. I am hung over and my hair looks funny. He laughs. We bullshit. I mow. Clean the house. Expecting future in-laws later in the day. Why? Because it is 4th of July! Happy Independence Day! Almost forgot all about the Hot Dog eating contest. Tony wake up! Brandon, come back over here STAT! Joey Chesnut I heart you. Mustard Belt stays in America for another year. OK, its a great day for disc golfing. 5 under par for me…a personal best on this course. Back to the house. Future in-laws show up. Quick! Shave off the rest of my hair so that it looks normal! Help me clean the house! Hi, in-laws, how are you? I am sweaty and I smell like grass clippings and last night’s beer. Better go shower. Make yourselves at home. Out of the shower. Watching T.V. You brought how many coolers full of Busch Light??? Oh my! I had better start drinking! Future Mother-In-Law brought me a present. A Twin’s jersey. I scream like a girl. I am happy with that gift. I’ll start thawing out the frozen hot dog buns and cutting up the watermelon. You fire up the grill and put on the Jalapeno/Cheddar Deer Brats. MMmmm…cookouts. Anybody up for playing some horseshoe golf in the back yard? Tree branch hanging in the way. Tony, don’t hang on it…I told you not to hang on it. Now it is broken off and laying in the middle of the yard…get the tree saw out even though I am a little drunk at this point. FIREWORKS! We forgot to buy fireworks! Go to the tent down the street. Tony, don’t by the 371 shot artillery box…not worth it…don’t be an idiot…it’s 80 fricking dollars, dude. Note to self: never going to a fireworks store drunk again. Primal urge to blow stuff up and start things on fire along with alcohol consumption makes for an overwhelming urge to buy WAY…TOO…MANY fireworks. OK, we made it out of there spending less than 100 dollars. Nice work. Go to Ralston, NE’s fireworks display on their golf course. Tailgated. Drank some more. Peed in some bushes. Back at my place sitting in driveway. Drinking. Blow stuff up. Where did the rest of the fireworks go? Dude…I told you, we seriously set them all off already. OK, but I swear we bought way more than that. Maybe it was because I was setting off 5 Roman Candles at a time. Better go to bed. Gotta get up early and drive. I get up early and drive to Sioux City (hometown). Go for a run with Tim (insane guy who convinced me to run half marathon). 1.5 miles…through Stone Park…almost all uphill. Ugh. Go to parents’ house. Hi Mom. Shower. Talk with Mom about my anxiety…as usual. Feel better about it after I do. As usual. Finally go to Tony’s. He bought a keg. He lives5 blocks from Grandview Park. It is the first Saturday of July which means it is Saturday in the Park day (huge, I mean HUGE music festival…personal favorite day of the year). Drinking and eating at Tony’s house. More people keep showing up. Even more people keep showing up. Now there is like 50. Keg stand? Sure, why not. Take shots off of kitchen counter until I lose track? Sure, why not. Shove a hot dog in my mouth, then pour ketchup straight out of the bottle into my mouth, then eat a spoon full of minced onions. Real classy, Andy. Go back outside. Talk with man about prostate exams. All I remember from that conversation is the phrase “…puckered up like sour candy…” OK lets walk to the park. Fall down a couple of times. No big deal. Get to the park. Head straight for the beer garden…NO! Head straight for the ATM machine first. Hold up line for 5 minutes because I can’t see straight. OK, now for the beer garden. See some gay guys I know. Hey gay dudes! See some other friends I know. HEY! How have you been??? YADDA YADDA, you haven’t changed a bit. Pass out a couple times in the grass. Having a lot of fun, though. OK, fireworks are going off…that must mean the show is over. Lets take the bus downtown. I think I will take my shirt off and helicopter it around my head. Embarrass my girlfriend. Go downtown. Fall into some bushes. HAHA. Take pictures of that. Finally at the bar. Dancing. Drinking. DAMN! I am a good dancer. If I am such a good dancer, then why am I getting so many dirty looks? Closing time. Call a cab. Stand out in middle of street. Girlfriend yelling at me: “…[get] the hell out of the road before you get hurt…” Somehow we make it back to my parents house. UH OH! We are missing somebody! I call my buddy: Where are you man? Why do I hear train whistles? Hello? Hello? Lost call. Kind of worried about him and hoping he gets home OK. Pass out. Wake up Sunday morning. Call my buddy. Find out he made it home. Got a ride with two shady dudes that found him sitting on the curb in the middle of nowhere. There is more to the story but this blog is PG-13. Mom made brunch for all the hungover people. God bless her heart. Time to drive back to Omaha. Get back to Omaha, go for a 2.3 mile run with Jaci. Take her out to eat Mexican food. Damn it feels good to be alone with her. Seems like we never were alone over the weekend. Go to bed early. One of the best 4th of July’s a guy could ask for. Sad to go back to work after that much fun. Gonna go feel sorry for myself and eat some Doritos.