BLOG IN YOUR FACE

Greetings, eaters of fresh produce. As spring arrives, farmers are planting little pills in the ground that will soon blossom into food. This food often takes the form of fruits and vegetables. As you grow skittish in anticipation for seasonal apple varieties, I would like to return your attention to another eat-worthy fruit: the banana. You may recall seeing a yellow, penis-shaped fruit during your most recent visit to the farmers’ market. Assuming it was not a yellow, fruit-shaped penis, it was probably a banana.

A brief history: Bananas were invented in 1762 by Benjamin Franklin (who else?). Although the shape is now standardized, the first banana more closely resembled an hourglass. Because of their wealth of vitamins, bananas were fed to Union troops during the Civil War, endowing them with superhuman strength and facilitating their defeat of the Confederate Army. Later, the public perception of the fruit took a hit when JFK was assassinated in 1963 with a banana. Today, bananas are eaten in more than ten countries worldwide.

Bananas: The Pros and Cons

Pro 1: You can litter them: In today’s eco-obsessed world, those who litter are despised on scale with those who rape babies. Throwing your banana peel on the ground, however, is not littering. It’s fertilizing. This also applies to sunflower seeds, apple cores, orange peels, and, in some states, fetuses.Con 1: They’re difficult to buy: Purchasing bananas requires great foresight. Say you are buying a week’s worth: you must then rip one banana from seven separate bunches that vary slightly in immediate ripeness. If they are underripe, they are hard and bitter. If they are overripe, they can be so soggy that you could stick a straw through the peel and drink them. Barf out.Pro 2: They possess enormous comic potential: I hope someone creates a 90-minute montage of people slipping on banana peels. It will be a shoo-in for the Best Documentary Feature Oscar. The only comic device that matches the “banana-peel slip” in reliability is the “pie in the face.” The most promising comic situation is a man in a suit slipping on a banana peel, standing up, then taking a banana-cream pie in the face. I cannot overstate this: the mere presence of a banana can defuse a tense situation. If you ever have the ill fortune of notifying someone his wife has died, eat a banana when you deliver the news. That potentially tragic situation will be endowed with lighthearted cheer. It will be like his wife never died.Con 2: The boundaries of the fruit are confusing: When peeling a banana, sometimes little fibrous strings cling to the fruit. I’m not sure if you can eat these. Until scientists conduct a full investigation, consider these stringy things poison! In fact, when closely considering the anatomy of a banana, I don’t know where the seeds are. They seem to be unnaturally self-reproductive. There is a slim chance that “bananas” are actually aliens. Again, something for the scientists.Pro 3: They’re the only fruit that’s better in its natural form than in its candy form: Remember the last time someone brought a bag of Laffy Taffy to the office? The strawberry-flavored taffy disappeared first, followed by grape, then cherry, then, reluctantly, blue raspberry. In all likelihood, the banana-flavored taffies remained for the next couple weeks until the janitor finally threw them out. Have you ever seen banana-flavored Jolly Ranchers? Starburst? Tootsie Pops? Of course not. That’s because chemical engineers can’t improve the banana. This is a rarity among fruit.Con 3: Sometimes they don’t open:

Argh! We all know the feeling when you’re about to engage in coitus, but are unable to open the wrapper of your prophylactic. Sometimes bananas are like that (exactly like that). If you can’t find a seam, you may be forced to put the end of the banana between your teeth, bite into it, and yank. This potentially bruises the fruit contained within, and you must settle for a hand job instead. (You know what I mean, although I got confused inside that metaphor.) So, regarding the pros and cons of bananas, it’s a split (pun!). If your local greengrocer has never heard of them, you may be able to find some on the black market. (You didn’t read it here.) Just wander into your nearest zoo and ask to see a monkey. Until next time, dear Ag Report Readers, keep it delicious.

Thank you Joe Holt…