BLOG IN YOUR FACE

***THIS CAMPAIGN HAS ENDED. I HAVE DONATED A ROUNDED UP AMOUNT OF $20 TO THE MS SOCIETY. THANK YOU ALL WHO HAVE READ ABOUT MY QUEST TO QUIT SWEARING*** 

Hello, my name is Andy and I am f#%king addicted to swearing. Where in the world did I get such a potty mouth? I mean, I grew up in a household that rarely used swear words and frowned upon me squeaking one out in defiance on occasion. However, I am now using swear words more than any other type of word in the English language it seems. I amaze myself at the new swear words I manage to make up in traffic or when my dog throws up on the floor. Sometimes I combine two or more swear words, or I will take swear words such as the “F” word which is typically used as a verb and I will manage to make a preposition or even and adverb out of it!! During Vikings, Twins and Hawkeyes games I can just imagine God asking Himself if he ought to send another Messiah to Earth ASAP because I use enough swear words to send the whole world to you-know-where on my behalf. The worst part about my swearing at this point in my life is my career. I am currently in the process of trying to get out of this little cubicle and into an entry level management job. I have been going through a lot of internal interviews with upper management and directors and let me tell you this: There isn’t anything more embarrassing (Well, I shouldn’t say anything…there was that incident with the Adam’s apple and “You’re not actually a woman, are you?” but we won’t get into that here) than getting interviewed by someone at the top of the food chain when yesterday you accidentally dropped the “SH” word or “sunuvabitch” while chatting with them in the elevator.

 
I feel like my swearing has gotten to the point that I don’t sound as intelligent as I really am. And it is a good thing that Jaci is marrying me, otherwise surely my swearing would ruin my game if I was single. My guess is that excessive cursing has got to be up there with 1) Overdoing it on the Brut Cologne and 2) Stalking on the list of turn-offs for women.  
Apparently I am not alone. I found a poll by the Associated Press that says that 64% of Americans use the “F” word on a regular basis. Now, to me, that is the Granddaddy of pottymouthness; so one has to believe that is 64% are using the “F” word, they are probably using just about every other naughty word in the book.Now, neither Jaci nor I are Catholic, but every year we nevertheless try to give up something for Lent. This year Jaci gave up chocolate. She is extremely strong willed (stubborn) and she can pretty much do whatever she wants. No chocolate? No problem. I on the other hand? This year for Lent I have given THE absolute most pathetic attempt to quit swearing. Seriously, I would have done better had I given up all three peeing, pooing and breathing instead.  

So…before my soul reaches the point that Lucifer says “Sorry, No Refunds!” and before I sound any more stupid than I already do, I have decided to REALLY give up cussing again. However, this time I am holding myself monetarily accountable. What I ask of you the reader is to e-mail me your favorite charity and why. Pleas include a telephone number, address (if applicable) of the charity in the e-mail as well so that we keep things legit. I will choose one charity and donate 50 cents to that charity EVERY…SINGLE…TIME…I…USE…SWEAR…WORDS. This will be ongoing for the rest of 2008 and my donation will be cumulative at Christmas.

I will keep this post updated so that readers can track my progress. I will be as honest as possible.

In the mean time, if you would like to post a comment, feel free to leave you favorite non-naughty cuss word such as “Son-of-a-Biscuit” or “Dang Nabit!” Wish me luck; this is going to be the biggest culture shock that my dirty, rotten tongue has ever experienced.

  
Current Charity: National MS Society3-2-08 Today I cursed up a storm in the shower when it all of a sudden got really cold for some reason.
3-2-08 Tonight I got mad at a guy at work and called him a Jack(donkey) and a (Richard)head.
3-3-08 Today I said the “SH” word when Jaci and I were listening to a CD and I said “Turn that ‘SH..’ up!!!.”
3-3-08 Today I said “God-(the “D” word) when my dog wasn’t listening to me
3-3-08 Today I called Microsoft Word “Bull SH” because I was having trouble with Mail Merge while Jaci and I were trying to print out mailing labels for wedding stuff.
3-4-08 Today I called my neighbors Jack(donkeys) because they had thrown beer bottles off their balcony.
3-6-08 I work in Operations Support for a major railroad and I get extremely upset with the folks in Green River, WY. They don’t seem to have a clue how to run their railyard. I got mad at a guy from there and called him a Jack(donkey).
3-7-08 Today was Jaci’s birthday. I asked her if she wanted to go out and celebrate and she said she had to work early and apologized for being a (female dog). I said, “I don’t think you are being a Bi%#h.” Since I began the Diarrhea of the Mouth campaign, I have been really good about spelling out cuss words when I need to do so. This time I just forgot.
3-9-08 I was trying to park downtown today and this ridiculously huge truck with an extended cab and extra long bed with dual rear tires and a step up that would require a ladder for my girlfriend was taking up TWO spaces. So I cursed and spit at it for about 30 seconds like that was going to magically move it. It was completely unnecessary.
3-9-08 Last night my buddy came into town and so we went out to the bar next door to my apartment. We got to drinking some beers and I dropped some F-BOMBS. I don’t really remember the circumstances. I am sure we were just talking Man Stuff and they just slipped out…
3-11-08 Today I was telling Jaci how many pull-ups I could do in the 7th grade (20 of them) and I told her it was because I was just a skinny little s*it.
3-12-08 Today I was talking to my friend Puddin’ and he is on vacation in New Orleans. He was naked on his balcony…all 325 pounds of him…I told him he was going to get Eff-ing arrested.
3-15-08 Today I was playing Nintendo Wii and Jaci has bought me this new game called “Mario and Sonic Go To The Summer Olymics.” Well the hammer throw is extremely hard so I said “Mother Eff-er” at least once.
3-15-08 Today at work I put the phone on mute and used J.C.’s name in vain (sorry, Jesus). I was so mad at this lady because she was talking really fast and kept cutting me off. I felt like I was talking to that guy that used to do the MicroMachines commercials.
3-15-08 Tonight after work I was emptying my pockets and I had atleast 7 recipts in there, two empty sandwich bags that I use to pick up my dog’s poop, keys, cell phone, chapstick, CD player face, wallet and a fork (I seriously had a fork in my pocket). I talked outloud to myself and I said something along the lines of “I need to stop putting all this “Sh…” in my pockets. After going two days with no swear words, I really tanked today. Oh well…better luck tomorrow. I will do my best to keep it clean in church!!!
3-17-08 Ugh…St. Patrick’s Day. At the bar there was a performer singing a cover of Jimmy Buffet’s “Margarittaville.” There is a part of the chorus where the audience chants “Where’s the G**Dam* Salt?!?!?!?!” I partook in this chanting. Sorry, God.
3-18-08 Jaci and I had to pull a 16-foot trailer today to pick up furniture and needless to say I am not good at pulling a trailer or maneuvering it around. Plus, Omaha traffic is so accomadating when someone desperately needs to get into the exit lane with a big ol’ trailer. NOT! I had some cusswords to say about some things today.
3-20-08 We were at Dave and Busters and I just spent over a dollar to play this sweet virtual Nascar game. All is good and well when I suddenly over shot a turn and smashed into a wall. No big deal right? Well, thanks to horrible design, there is no REVERSE on the game! So after only 30 seconds of play I was stuck up against the wall for the rest of the time. I mean seriously, I couldn’t go anywhere. So I did what every mature person would do with about 6 kids within hearing distance: I cussed up a storm, slammed my fists on the steering wheel and threw a temper tantrum! 
3-30-08 I had my first cussing fit of the entire move into the house. It was when we were bringing in the last item of the move. The Piano. We got black scuff marks all over the beautiful new carpet. My blood pressure shot up like one of those sledge-hammer-tower-hitting-bell-at-the-top carnival games.
4-2-08 I was building a squirrel feeder to hang on the tree and I kept splitting the wood because my power drill has to much torque. So what do I do? Curse up a storm at it like that was going to help.
4-5-08 I got a brand new garden hose and I was trying to straighten it out today because it has so many kinks in it from being wound up so tightly. I said the F-word so loud that I caught my new neighbor peeking through her drapes to see what all the comotion was about.

Current Donation: $12.50