Flossing: Because Anaerobes are Sooo 2007
I am pretty sure I have enough floss to escape from prison. You see, every time I visited the tooth doctor from a hell of a long time ago until now, I always tore open the new toothbrush and broke it in by brushing my teeth vigorously with it for like an hour. The little complimentary floss usually ended up in the medicine cabinet or in the back of the cupboard next to the Pepto-Bismol that is so old that it has turned into pink crystals. Fast forward to late 2007, my apartment medicine cabinet had a neat stack of unused floss cases numbering close to fourteen! I just plain NEVER flossed my teeth. The only time I ever used mouth wash was seriously when I was in my teens when I didn’t want my mother to smell cigarette smoke on me.
Well, I can remember in December of 2007 I was eating La Juanita’s Immaculately Ridiculously Atrociously Incomparably good Mexican Food (minus the four adverbs and one adjective gives you its official title) when I got something caught in between one of my bicuspids. Oh my GAWWWWWD I hate it when that happens! You sit there and strain your tongue and your face contorts until you look like you have a nerve disorder, yet you just can’t make that one microgram of food budge out from in between there. So I went to the bathroom and did what any resourceful man would have done in my situation: I shoved a business card up in there and lodged the son-of-a-beach outta there. And that’s where it all began.
Along with the microgram of cheap burrito meat came a gushing of blood. My gum immediately began to swell up around the two surrounding teeth and I began to have that awful taste in my mouth. I would describe it as having a mouthful of pennies that had been in a sweaty pocket of a really tight pair of jeans all day; in other words, the taste of my own blood. After I had given the “mind your own business” look to the guy staring at me (maybe it was the wadded up paper towel in my mouth) I realized my gums were in horrible shape and I was willing to bet it was due to my lack of flossing over the past however many years I should have been doing so.
So I went home and pulled out one of my complimentary flosses and wrapped it around my fingers and began to go to town on my poor, poor gingiva (yes, that is what “gums” are actually called, come to find out). Every last one of them bled, and bled and bled. For about 4 and a half seconds I stared at myself in the mirror and thought I looked pretty cool with bloody gums and for about 3 more seconds I made little growling noises pretending that I was a flesh eating zombie. Following my brief self entertainment, the panic set it; I immediately Googled my frightening condition. Here is the gist of what I found:
- I had Gingivitis, which is the beginning of gum disease, which is what causes Periodontal Disease which is why your Grandpa wears dentures (or in my fiancé’s case, her grandfather just sported his one tooth proudly and never truly got to enjoy unsoggy cereal, crispy apples or the ability to bite his foe in a barroom brawl). In other words, not flossing is eventually gonna make your teeth fall out.
- There is a difference between plaque and tarter, apparently. I had heard of both the terms before, but did not know there was a difference. Plaque is the sticky Elmer’s Glue-ish stuff that sticks to and in between your teeth. Tarter is the stuff that happens when plaque calcifies (hardens) and that s#it is a lot harder to get rid of than plaque. It usually involves that metal pick thing that the dental hygienist uses.
- Bacteria called Anaerobes hang out in plaque and they LOVE hanging out in tarter. Oxygen actually kills anaerobes, but if they are shacked up in your plaque and tarter, oxygen can’t get to them and get its job done. When these bacteria poop, they poop ACID (and we aren’t talking about the “good” acid you Ken Kesey wannabe). This harmful bacterium wreaks havoc on the gums and gets the ball rolling on the whole “One-Tooth-Grandpa-Model-of-Dental-Hygiene.”
- If you sleep with your mouth hanging wide open, like I do, then you REALLY need to floss and mouthwash before and after bed. Apparently when your mouth is dry (in the extreme case known as Xerostomia), the bacteria in your mouth are more concentrated and the sulfur that they give off evaporates more rapidly. This not only makes your mouth more acidic, but also gives you that “take-the-paint-off-a-wall” morning breath. Yes, concentrated sulfur vapors also smell bad in other emissions; they’re called farts. For God’s sake floss your teeth before you go to bed so that your breath does not smell like farts.
- This last one is the biggest bent ring finger. And when I say bent ring finger I mean this one is a SHOCKER! Flossing can potentially add SIX FREEKING YEARS TO YOUR LIFE! Periodontal disease apparently triggers an immune reaction which triggers yada, yada, yada, medical bull$hit, which somehow causes our arteries to age. Now, aged arteries are like faulty plumbing. They make the pump work harder. When your ticker is working over time, you ain’t gonna stick around for quite as many Pinochle Wednesday nights as you plan on in retirement.
So needless to say I started flossing and mouth washing daily if not bi-daily (is that a word?). My gums continued to bleed for about a week. Even a month and a half later I still spring a small leak every once in awhile. But I seriously have better breath and my gums are now a flattering shade of pink instead of a Freddy Krueger shade of red. I will admit, I got sick of regular floss REAL quick. I didn’t like how it nearly amputated the tips of my fingers because I wrapped it around them to tightly. I didn’t like how long it took. So I switched to these things called Plackers, which basically look like a bow and arrow minus the arrow and add a little handle to them. They come in a package of like 400,000 (who knows, but seriously you get a lot for your money) of them for a couple dollars and the string is made of Kevlar which is pretty awesome. I can whip through my whole mouth with one of those disposable puppies in about 1 minute flat and I keep them in the shower with me to make it even easier so don’t say that you don’t have enough time to floss.
I just took the ol’ calculator out. I figure if I live to be 80, I will have flossed for a total of 20 days of my life in order to potentially gain 6 years on the competition! I figure it’s worth it. Brushing your teeth only cleans 65 percent of your mouth. Not flossing is like showering everyday but never washing you butt crack, your armpits, between your toes or between your legs (if you know what I mean).
I’m no dentist, oral hygienist, doctor or psychic but I am going to go ahead and throw my hat in for the act of flossing. It most certainly can’t hurt. Right?
Feel free to comment below. You may also e-mail me any thoughts you might have to ahubbard13@bloginyourface.com and if I like what you have to say I will post it alongside this blog. If I don’t like what you have to say I may also post it alongside this blog along with my personal comments on where you should shove it!