BLOG IN YOUR FACE

Lets face it…I know about as much about cars as Hitler knew about compassion. I would probably have a tough time differentiating between a monster truck and a Gremlin let alone an oil filter and an air filter. My Dad never taught me a single thing about cars growing up. In fact, he rented three garages out to a race car driver for free as long as he(his name was Bill) would work on my Dad’s car when it needed it. My Dad never got his hands dirty, or replaced a single Jimmy-Rod-Do-Hickey on any of his cars and certainly didn’t teach me how to.

So, needless to say I am a sucker for unnecessary work that “needs” to be done on my car. In fact, not only am I a sucker, I have at times been a downright VICTIM!

For the longest time I would take my car to a franchise place called “BrakeMasters” when it needed an oil change, inspection and what-not. The last time I went there in January they told me (like so many times before) that I needed a whole bunch of things done to my truck in order for it to be ready for the Spring:

Oil Change: $20
Brake Fluid Flush??? $39
Brake Pad Cleaning??? $20
Exhaust Inspection??? $39
I was also informed that I would need new brake pads by the end of the year.

I will finish this part of the story in a second.

Now, my girlfriend’s “Low Coolant” light had been coming on periodically around the same time. So, she took her car to BrakeMasters with me then. They informed her that the cause was…

At this point they started using some technical jargon that I am convinced was meant to confuse and scare us into thinking there was a major problem…the only word I recognized was “Manifold” and I think the rest might as well have been in Russian. I almost immediately lost interest in what they were talking about and began thinking about how bad I wanted to go to Sonic and get a cheeseburger and a Cherry-LimeAid…

Anyway, it was something that was going to cost Jaci 650 dollars to fix. My truck was going to cost me $118 plus tax. We decided to check out a few more places for estimates and I darted for the door of BrakeMasters before they could get another word in. After we hightailed it out of that joint, Jaci told me about a tiny little garage on a crappy little service road behind her apartment. We decided it couldn’t hurt to check them out since they were so close to her place at the time. Come to find out it was owned by a couple of young guys named Ted and Jason and they were the only two that worked on cars there, unlike BrakeMasters who have like a buh-GILLION employees and really pushy managers and sales people.

Long story short, Jason and Ted fixed Jaci’s car for like 100 bucks less than BrakeMasters was going to charge and he explained to Jaci in clear terms that she could understand just WHAT the exact problem was with her car. He even used a visual aid, if you count a visual aid as him interlocking his greasy fingers to represent the engine and manifold or whatever it was. Once again I wasn’t really listening because I was thinking about the scene in the movie Wayne’s World when Garth accidentally scratches the entire side of some guy’s car with a rivet gun while messing around in Phil’s Auto Body Shop.

Anyway, Ted and Jason were great to us. So, needless to say I decided to take my truck in there for an oil change on a Thursday morning. I dropped it off and walked about a mile to the Border’s bookstore down the road. Jason called soon after and told me imy truck was done. I told him I would be there in about 20 minutes because I needed to walk back his way. He actually said “No” and insisted on coming to pick me up in his truck….and he did.

On the ride back to the shop the conversation went something like this:

Me: So how much do you charge for a brake fluid flush? BrakeMasters says I need one.

Jason: My truck has almost 300,000 miles on it. I have never-EVER flushed the brake fluid. It is not necessary.

Me: OK…well they told me I need the brake pads cleaned, too.

Jason: Just get some tire and rim cleaner and clean the brake dust off the inside of your rims if it bugs you. If it doesn’t bug you, DON’T! Cleaning your brake pads is not necessary. They will just get dirty again. They are right behind your tire and only a foot above the road. Plus, they grind against metal all day. They are suppose to get dirty.

Me: So do I need an exhaust inspection, then?

Jason: Looked OK to me from what I saw while I was under there.

Me: And will I need new brakes soon? That’s what…

Jason: That’s what BrakeMasters told you? No, you have 50 percent or more of your brake pad left. You are not even close to needing new brakes. See, BrakeMasters works on commission. They will try to sell you services you don’t need in order to make money. Ted and I work for reputation. We aren’t a franchise so we don’t have much to back us up but our work.  What I am telling you is that all you need today is a 24 dollar oil change and I hope you appreciate that enough to come back next time and maybe tell a friend or two.

So there you have it. My story ends there, but it has just begun. I am never going back to the Chevrolet dealer, or any large auto-care franchises like BrakeMasters or JiffyLube. I’m sticking with two greasy, dirty mechanics that own a shabby and somewhat run down auto shop. Why? Its simple…TRUST. Plus, I think its good for America. I think that Americans SHOULD spend their money at locations and retailers that they can honestly say that they know and trust. I think that wherever possible, we should try to do business with a handshake and on a first name basis.

Some people argue that America is built on capitalism. They might say that we wouldn’t be where we are today without Wal-Mart, Home Depot, McDonalds and Starbuck’s. But to me, what I think is the heart and soul of America…the bread and butter of our country…is the honesty and integrity that you get out of places like Ted and Jason’s Complete Auto Repair in Papillion, NE. Or that Ma and Pa grocery store that refuses to go out of business despite the big box stores sprouting up around it. Or the pharmacy down the street that still has the same cash register that they had in 1960.

It isn’t the suit and ties that make America strong. Its the grease under people like Jason and Ted’s fingernails. I encourage you to spend your economic stimulus money locally in your community. Gonna buy a new lawn mower? Why not buy it and Joe Blow’s hardware store instead of Home Depot this time? Why not go to Sally’s Bakery on the corner and buy your office two dozen doughnuts. Need some work done on your car? Why not go check out your local grease monkey auto shop. I did…it saved me money and everything about it felt great.

Jaci made this stuff the other day and it was INCREDIBLE.

Now, I understand that not everyone is as big of a fan of left overs as I am. I can eat the same meal at least once a day for days or even weeks at a time if necessary. For example, I have eaten at least one hot dog per day EVERY…SINGLE…DAY for the better part of the last year.

Jaci and I made this Cavatini over a week ago and we still have some left in the freezer that we froze in individual Tupperware containers so that I can just throw them in my lunch box on the way to work and nuke them. The recipe makes such a big batch that each serving comes out to cost about a dollar. I do the same thing with lasagna, tuna casserole, roasts, goulash, Sloppy Joe’s etc. I just make a sh**load of the stuff and eat it for days and days and days. But again, I don’t mind leftovers. So if you are making Cavatini, be prepared for it to feed A LOT of people. Here’s how ya do it…

1) Boil a bunch of shell pasta.
2) While that’s boiling, brown some hamburger and season it with taco seasoning. Seriously.
3) Mix the hamburger and pasta and add as much spaghetti sauce as you want. Put it in a 9 x 13 or 11 x 13 pan. Put a whole bunch of shredded mozzarella cheese on top. I mean, completely cover it.
4) Put some tin foil on top and bake at 350 degrees for 20 or 30 minutes until the cheese is melted and the sauce thickens and gets a little bubbly.

There you have it. A simple and spicy pasta bake. Man, this stuff is good.

One of my favorite shows of all time was Cheers. My future mother-in-law reminded me of a classic scene from the show, in which Cliff shared some infinite wisdom with Norm.

“Well you see, Norm, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

It doesn’t get any funnier than that. Period.

The Minnesota Twins have won 5 out of their last 7 games and have somehow managed by God’s good grace to get themselves into first place in the American League Central. Granted, they are only up by one game (and it probably won’t last long) but STILL!!! The Minnesota Twins are in FIRST PLACE!! If this can hold up until tomorrow night, I will definitely be drinking and toasting to it.

And, if you haven’t already heard…or maybe you just plain don’t give two Henrys about the Twins…but Carlos Gomez hit for the cycle against the White Sox on Wednesday night. If you aren’t familiar, this is when a player gets every single type of hit in one game. One single, one double, one triple and a home run. Four amazing things about Gomez doing it the other night?

1) He’s a ROOKIE (22 years old)
2) The night before the Twins only have 1 HIT in the entire game..as a TEAM!
3) He hit for the cycle BACKWARDS meaning he hit the homer first, the triple second and so on…
4) The last Twins player to hit for the cycle was none other than Kirby Puckett…good ol’ Kirby may he rest in peace. When did Kirby do it? All the way back in 1986.

I was reading MSN and came across an articleabout the 10 worst franchises in pro sports. The particular article mentioned the Twins as one of them. Evidently this Jack-Ass hasn’t checked the standings lately. What a moron…

No, seriously…if you haven’t tried it already, put your thumb on the area from between your eyes to the tip of your nose. It is the same length! Sweet! Here are some other pretty awesome Human Body facts.

 -Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream.

-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the
male sperm.

-You use 200 muscles to take one step.

-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

-A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia
Britannica.

-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver
than men with hair.

-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

-There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water
to a boil.

-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

-Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate. 

I can’t believe I just quoted Oprah Winfrey…

Now that I have managed to get my swearing somewhat under control, I have now begun to do some heavy reflecting on my extreme difficulty (inability, rather) to say what should be one of the most easy words in the English language to say: NO

It has gotten to the point of absurdity. Atrociousness. I simply cannot ever find it in me to say “No” to people. If science ever perfects the art of stem cell growing, the first thing I am signing up for is a back bone. I get walked all over like a doormat because there are many people in my life that are perfectly aware of my condition.

Need some money? Ask Andy.
Need a ride? Ask Andy.
Need some work done for free? Ask Andy.
Need someone to work overtime? Ask Andy.
Are you a struggling salesman? You could sell Andy a ketchup Popsicle if he was wearing a white suit.
Need your husband killed to collect the insurance money? Just ask Andy!!!
Got girl scout cookies you want to sell? Hit up Andy 18 different times!
Have an animal you can’t take care of anymore? Just ask Andy to take it off your hands!

All jokes aside, I really feel like I am struggling with this lately. Where does it stem from? Maybe it came from my childhood which begs the question: Is it more important to teach your kids to be nice and polite all the time or teach them to stick up for themselves? I was obviously not taught the latter very well.

It comes down to three things…actually three personal fears:
1) Fear of somebody becoming angry because of me: I fear conflict and all I want is peace whether it be on a micro-level between two people or on a macro-level in the world as a whole. But when I really think about it, me giving into them so that they don’t get angry is only empowering them! In a way, I am simply training them to treat me this way in the future. They learn that they can get anything from me by threat of anger and conflict and they use it to their advantage!!!
2) Fear of losing a relationship: I’m human…I need friends and people that love me. Sometimes I talk myself into thinking that if I say no to someone, I will lose all or a part of our relationship to one another.
3) Fear of hurting people: A lot of times I will say “Yes” to something because I am afraid to hurt someones feelings. But once again, this is self-destructive. Take Jaci for instance…she can read me like a book. If she asks me to go along somewhere with her and I say “Yes” so that I don’t hurt her feelings, later on she will be able to tell by my not-so-jubilant attitude that I don’t want to be doing what we are doing. This will upset her and hurt her feelings because I did not tell her in the first place. So by not saying “No” in the first place because I feared hurting her feelings, I manage to hurt them anyway which is exactly what I did not want to do. PHEW!

I have decided that it is time for me to start empowering myself with the word “No.” Now that Jaci and I have bought a house and we are getting married, I am officially the man of the house. I am the Alpha male, no question about it. Jaci doesn’t want to be with a sap…with a wuss…she wants someone that will not only protect his own interests but somebody that will stick up for his family, too.

Every day I am going to work on saying “No” to at least one person. Today my Aunt asked if we wanted these two old white leather chairs for our new house. Not only were they not white anymore (they were yellow), but the leather was cracked and torn and hideous. The old Andy (and by old I mean about 3 days ago) would have taken those old chairs off her hands, lugged them home and had nowhere to put these nasty excuses for furniture. I would have beat myself up over it and hated myself for these two new additions to our already ancient furniture (I literally had my diapers changed on our bedroom dresser at one point).

Instead, I told her thanks but no thanks.

You may say “Big Deal.”

Well, it was a HUGE DEAL. It felt good. It wasn’t that bad. In fact, I want to do it again. I’m not saying that I want to lose my God-given compassion and empathy for others. I just want to gain a little self-respect that I think is long overdue. 

Well, I have decided to conclude my Potty Mouth campaign quite early in the wake of a charitable donation that needs to be in quite soon. For anyone that is unfamiliar or gives a hoot, I began to monitor my use of swear words a couple of months ago and I intended to donate 50 cents for every swear word that I used to a charity of a reader’s choice. That reader ended up being AxsDeny from the Vax Cave. One interesting bit about AxsDeny is that I used to think his name was Janice. I still feel bad about that to this day. But I really do appreciate your readership and feedback on my posts.

The charity is the Multiple Schelorosis Society, in particular his brother(-in-law??) Daniel Decker will be riding in the ”Escape to the Lake [Erie] MS Bike Tour” and is accepting donations as we speak in hopes to reach his goal of $1500.00. I ended up rounding my swearing fund up to an even 20 dollars. MS is a heartbreaking and nasty disease. My 3rd grade teacher was diagnosed years ago and I can remember crying to my mother when I came home from school because it scared me to see her in so much pain throughout the school day. From what little reading up I did on the subject matter prior to my donation, it appears that researchers are making leaps and bounds on the way to a cure. If any of my handful of readers are interested in supporting Dan in his bike ride, please, please PLEASE have a look at his website here. And, let me type out the URL:

http://tinyurl.com/3aeljc

 I would like to give myself a pat on the back in my efforts to dramatically reduce my swearing. I have exceeded my personal expectations by a long-shot. I think that reducing my use of swear words has had a direct effect on the control of my temper. It was easy to express my frustration before by dropping and F-Bomb here or there and calling the driver ahead of me an S.O.B. Now, I am forced to really think about what I am getting angry or frustrated about and I must make the decision if it is truly worth it to let it get the best of me. By replacing a swear word with a couple deep breaths and some rational thoughts, I have noticed that I really do feel better. I am not sweating the small stuff as often and even Jaci has noticed a rather large change in how I handle things that don’t go my way.

Now that I have chosen to end my anti-swearing campaign early, I am now focused on my inability to say “No” to people when they ask me to do things that I don’t really want to do. I need to be assertive and grow a back bone. I need to stick up for myself and what makes me happy rather than let people walk all over me. This is my next personal wellness campaign for myself and I may throw a blog out there about it in the coming days. As of right now, I am working on saying “No” to someone at least once a day.

I was driving home the other day from Cedar Falls, IA  when I stopped at a little gas station off the I-80 to grab a cup of coffee. I was absolutely ecstatic at what I came across! No, not the coffee…it was your typical watered down gas station coffee. However, as my fingertips touched the coffee cup, I felt a sensation like no other before. This was no ordinary cup. I rushed to the counter in excitement and pleaded for the cigarette smoking attendant to tell me what in the world this cup is made out of! She shrugged her shoulders and mumbled something about corn.

You see, this cup felt strange. It didn’t feel like paper. It didn’t feel like styrofoam. There was something absolutely extraordinary about this 24-oz-liquid-holding-magnificent-piece-of-engineering. Its texture felt bubbly and furry to the touch.

The second I got home I began my research. What I found was an absolute delight for someone as worried about the environment and the landfill crisis as myself. The cup that I had stumbled across is an “EcoCup.” This cup is developed from corn byproducts such as cobs and stalks and is completely biodegradable. Why is this such a delight for hippies like me?

You see…

Here is the scary part…

Of the 100 billion cups of coffee that America drinks every year, approximately 14 billion of those cups are served in good ol’ disposable cups. That is enough cups to wrap around the planet 55 times. Big deal though, right? I mean, at least the paper cups that are used are biodegradable, right? Everybody knows paper is biodegradable. It comes from trees. Duh!!

Wrong! Every paper coffee cup or any other paper cup designed to hold a hot beverage has a plastic lining made from a petrochemical. This lining takes thousands and thousands and thousands of years to break down in a landfill.

Notice I did not say biodegrade. When something biodegrades, the microbes in the soil eat it and digest it and it basically becomes dirt and organic matter. These plastic liners, along with things like plastic bags and bottles do not biodegrade; they simply break down meaning they just keep breaking up into smaller and smaller pieces until they are pretty much microscopic and end up back in our ground water and drinking water as flavor enhancers. On top of that, if we saved the petro chemicals used in the lining of coffee cups and used them instead as an energy source, we could heat the entire city of Newtown, Connecticut (8,300 residents) for an entire year. If we stopped using plastic shopping bags we could probably heat the entire state if not the entire Northeast part of the country. But instead, they end up blowing around landfill sites and choking kittens and puppies and the occasional bird or two.

The cool thing about this EcoCup that I found out is that the plastic in its lining is made of CORN! This makes it completely and 100 percent BIODEGRADEBALE. Well, I shouldn’t say 100 percent…there is that dang plastic lid. But anyway, I just think it is wonderful that we are developing more and more eco-friendly products like this.

That’s all I really had to say. I am gong to go watch SportsCenter now and after that, me and my new EcoCup are going to go for a walk and we might even go shopping at Gordman’s or Home Depot together if time permits.

This is my review of the band O.A.R. and their show at the McLeod Center in Cedar Falls, Iowa at The University of Northern Iowa.This was my 8th time seeing the guys and it never gets old. For as long as I can remember, Bob Dylan and O.A.R. have held a tying spot at #1 on my list of favorite bands. I never have a complaint about the guys from O.A.R. in concert because they always bring energy and enthusiasm to all of their performances and I have a heterosexual man-crush on all of them, anyway.

But before I go on, let me just tell you what happened to me on Monday night after I had driven over 250 miles to see them play. I was standing there toward the back of this horribly acoustic hockey arena after the first of two opening acts. I turned around and there I saw standing all by themselves were Benji (bassist) and Jerry (saxophonist). Haha, Ben and Jerry, right?

Anyway, the entire crowd must have been clueless of their presence because nobody was paying the slightest attention to them. I casually walked over and said the first thing that came to my mind: “Hey, how’s it goin’ dudes?”

To make a long story short, they ended up talking to me for about 5 or 10 minutes (I don’t really know, I blacked out from excitement) and even offered to take a picture with me. The entire time, nobody else noticed them (us). It was like God was granting me 10 minutes of privacy with my favorite band. Incredible…

But getting to their actual set, I must say that I felt horrible for them. The sound in that wretched arena is horrible and they had tons and tons of technical difficulties just trying to make it work. I gotta hand it to the guys, though; in the face of all that, they managed to persevere.

They seemed to have quite a bit of energy up there. Before the show I asked those two if they had a nice break and they said they didn’t really get to take much of a break but did not elaborate. Turns out a couple of days later (today, in fact) Marc (vocals, guitar) released a statement on OARfans.com:

We just finished a show in Kentucky and wanted to take this chance to catch you all up on what is going on with the new record before we let anyone else know tomorrow. In October we all moved out to Los Angeles to begin pre production on the record. We spent a few weeks reworking old songs and writing new ones. These were the best days in so many ways. Taking the time to map out what we wanted to do before we hit record was the best way to make an album. It was like being in the early years of this band. Hanging around writing songs together for nothing more than the pure enjoyment of being in a band. By the time November rolled around we were ready to go. Matt Wallace produced the record and we must thank him for seeing our vision and allowing us to be ourselves. That’s really what this experience was all about. Getting on tape what we love to do in the most honest way we know how. And Matt provided the perfect atmosphere for us to create. The record is called All Sides and we are so proud of it. It comes out July 15th and we are excited for you to hear what we have been working on this past couple years.

We also want to let you know we are trying to get some of the tracks out early. Through Ticketmaster you can get a couple of the tracks right away and another one a month before the record is released. If you buy two tickets to the summer tour there is an option to buy the record which will be delivered a day before the release date as well. Just trying to get this thing out there.

Anyway, we wanted to wait to talk about the album until we had all the details worked out. It has been killing us. We want nothing more than to share this album with you. It was a true labor of love.

Thanks as always for your support. It means the world to us. See you this summer. Be good.

So the whole time they were on hiatus shortly before this show, I thought they were maxing and relaxing. Turns out they were recording the new record and I could not be more ecstatic at hearing this news. Apparently the band is quite excited as well because I could see it in their stage presence.

It was nice to hear them play some old school songs like Get Away, Conquering Fools and Mr. Moon. For me, Mr. Moon holds a special place in my heart. The song is about what it would be like to be the Man in the Moon and to look down on our world and to see how we handle every political situation that arises with war and bloodshed. It depicts the Man in the Moon simply laughing at us for what we are doing to ourselves.

Sometimes I laugh at where the world is going until I cry…that’s all.

Besides the acoustics and the crowd surfers, it was another magical show that left me feeling like I want to change things around me. O.A.R. stands for “Of a Revolution” and they could not come closer to the solidifying that name. They truly are something else, I tell ya…

If anyone has ever listened to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on the radio, then you know how annoying she is. Recently she said something along these lines:

“Homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance…”

Well, Dr. Laura is right about what the bible says. That verse reads:

“Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.”

Lets take a look at some other things in the books of Leviticus and Exodus. If any of you are unfamiliar, these books are books of God’s law. It is basically a huge list and most of it sounds absolutely ridiculous when you try to apply His word to 2008.

Lev 1:9
“…It is a burnt offering an offering made by fire, an aroma pleasing to the Lord…”

Something tells me that if I want to burn a cow in my backyard, my neighbor Doug might have a slight problem with that.

Exodus 21:7
“If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as menservants do…”

So when Jaci and I have ourselves a little girl, it is apparently OK to go ahead and sell her into slavery if we need the extra cash to pay off our student loans? God says so, right?

Lev. 15: 19-24
“When a woman has her regular flow of blood…anyone who touches her will be unclean…for seven days”

Sorry, Jaci…when it is your time of the month, no hugs for you. No cuddling on the couch and watching a DVD together. Guys, when you want to shake a female co-worker’s hand, make sure you ask her if she is on her period before doing so. We wouldn’t want you to be unclean for seven days. It is OK to ask her…God says so.

Lev. 25:44
“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves.”

So I can go get some slaves from Canada and Mexico and maybe even Cuba? Do they do yard work? How about sweep my garage floor? Sweet! I am glad God approves of this! Wish I would have known this a LONG time ago!

Exodus 35:2
“Whoever does any work on [the Sabbath] must be put to death.”

Alright. I have to work every single Sunday. Should I be scared for my life? Sorry, God…I have to make a living!

Lev. 11:12
“Anything living in the water that does not have fins and scales is to be detestable to you.”

So, no more fried oysters or crawfish boils? Alright, if you say so, God.

Lev. 21:20
“…[he] who has any eye defect…is not to come near to [the altar].”

So if you wear reading glasses or contact lenses, stay toward the back of the church. God says you are not allowed to come up near the front.

Lev. 19
“Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard…” 

So, I can keep the top and back of my hairdo cut short but never cut the hair around my ears? That would make for an interesting pseudo-mullet looking sort of thing.

Lev. 11:7
“And the pig, though it has a split hoof completely divided, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you.”

Wait a second! Is God saying that I can’t even touch a football because it is made out of pig skin????

Lev. 19:19
“Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed.”

Wow! How many farmers in my home state of Iowa grow soybeans, alfalfa, corn and wheat all on the same farm? TONS! Should all of them be put to death immediately???

***********************************

Look, I am not intentionally mocking God’s word here (in fact, I am mocking Dr. Laura). But he was preaching to the Isrealites thousands and thousands of years ago. These laws applied to the things that were going on in their time, not the year 2008.

For Dr. Laura to use these ancient laws to justify her stance on homosexuality, I find absurd. Nearly all of these laws went out the window when God sent Christ to us. THESE LAWS WERE SUPERSEDED WHEN JESUS CAME. They sound absurd because they ARE absurd in this day and age. With the coming of Jesus, God went from being a God of wrath and fury, to becoming a God of love and compassion. Out went the strict civil and ceremonial laws and in came some very basic principles of love and compassion for our brothers and neighbors.

If two men or two women love each other and accept Jesus into their hearts, than we must believe that Jesus loves them unconditionally as well, no matter what their sexual preference. If you take an anti-homosexuality stance like Dr. Laura, that’s fine. But don’t use the book of Leviticus to justify your lack of an open mind. That is, unless, you want to follow all of the other 300 some laws that God laid out in those ancient times.

Man, I cannot stand gay bashers or people that resent ANYONE for their freedom of choice.

Well, it could be worse. 18 games into the season, my Twinkies are right in the middle of the pack in the American League Central. I think the biggest problem this year is our batting. I mean, hell, every single night we have guys on the web gems making some stellar defensive plays. You have Delmon Young throwing guys out from left field…you’ve got Morneau throwing guys out behind his back…even last night the Twins had 4 double plays in the same damn game!!!

We just simply cannot get our bats on the ball enough and I think I have figured out the problem: Grape Big League Chew…or lack there of, that is. Yes, that has to be it. I don’t think our guys are chewing enough of the stuff. Everybody knows that Grape Big League Chew has 37 essential anti-oxidants as well as 14 valuable vitamins and minerals. Scientific and clinical studies have proven that Grape Big League Chew can increase batting averages by an average of 50/1000 of a point. That would easily bring the Twins team batting average past the Angles in the American League.

And of course, Grape Big League Chew is not on the list of banned substances by Major League Baseball. Maybe I’m just an arm chair trainer, but I really think I know what I’m talking about here.

 Anyway, my non-weird-heterosexual-man-crush, Scott Baker, is starting against the Indians today. I predict a 2-hitter at worst. Twins win 5-0.

Tons of things have built up inside of me lately: On Sunday my church pastor mentioned that in 20 years, China will be the only world super power. I read the other day that our world’s water supply will be reduced by 40 percent in the next 50 to 60 years. I look at rising gas prices and our dependence on oil and how depressing that is. I watch the two major political parties go back and forth like 3rd graders in a school yard, but in the long run, nothing really gets accomplished. Jaci and I came home from a movie the other night and we just sat on the stairs and talked about the future of the United States and what it is going to be like when and if Jaci and I are ever able to retire or have children.

My point is this: I think the way that America and the rest of the world has evolved in the last 50 years is nearly irreversible. I am not saying we are all going to hell in a hand basket, but my GOD we need change. And I am not talking the kind of change that Obama thinks he is talking about. He may want to change everything that the Republicans are doing wrong, but it still won’t be PROGRESS. We need change in the form of progress.  We need brand spanking new ideas. We need to turn the thrift store into Rodeo Drive.

I wasn’t really sure how to make the transition into this paragraph so I will just start talking about it, I guess. I learned about the Green Party while studying in Wales, UK in 2004. I shouldn’t say that this was the first time that I have ever heard of Ralph Nader or the Green Party. This came back in 2000 when he was one of the many unmentioned parties opposing the Gore/Bush rivalry. In fact, the only time I ever really heard the media speak of the Green Party was when everyone was griping and complaining that Florida was lost because people voted for Nader instead of Gore and that he “stole” votes.

Anyway…focus Andy…

I first learned about the Green Party and really got to understand its fundamental values while studying in Wales. I made friends with two girls and a guy from Sweden and I learned about their system of Social Democratic government. It just seemed to make so much sense! And the people of Sweden are so incredibly happy and have SO MUCH pride in their country. All of this happiness while keeping its nose out of world turmoil and being leaps and bounds ahead of the game in environmental awareness and activism.

In my search to discover those same views and values in an American political party, I began to take a lot of interest in the Green Party. The Green Party is a party for the PEOPLE, people!!!! Greens bite their thumbs at big corporations. The Greens also believe that humans can live in harmony with the planet like peas and carrots…like hamburger and taco seasoning…like #2 and toilet paper.

The Greens believe that the root of a lot of society’s problems stem from the gap between rich and poor; and even the rich and middle class. Lets pretend that the population of America is 100 people. 20 of the richest people have half of the country’s income. The poorest 20 people only make a total of 4 percent of the the country’s income. Who do you think has an easier time exercising their democratic rights? The rich guys with half the country’s money or Joe Shmoe who is dressed in rags. In our ridiculous capitalist society, our politics are controlled by money and big corporations. If you don’t have money, you don’t get a fair chance at being heard and America cannot possibly call itself a democracy under these conditions. The Green Party believes this is unjust and unfair. Politicians are the last people that should be sell outs.

Do a little research and you will see that all types of media and advertising are controlled by less companies than I have fingers (I haven’t had any tree mulching accidents and don’t have an abnormal birth defect giving me additional phalanges). So, with so few sources for Americans to get information, how can we possibly be aware of and take advantage of all of our alternatives? How is that a democracy?

I realize that profit is always important in business, but the Green Party looks at our market system a little differently. You see, when we completely base our production on profit, we neglect and destroy our air, water, soil, trees, plants, animals, minerals and fossil fuel resources. On top of that we face global warming, rising sea levels, changing weather patterns (can you say Katrina? How about that Earthquake in Kentucky today? That ain’t normal…) and drought due to our recklessness and disregard for the environment. How can we ever harness the power of alternative energy and reduce the effects of polluting the environment when petroleum and Big Bad Oil have a death grip on our economy and our politicians? The Green Party (and I) believe there is simply something wrong with this picture.

We don’t need to spend half of the federal budget on the military. We don’t have to have as much pain and strife in America as we do. We can have smarter and healthier children. We can be proud of our jobs and organize labor for the individual not for the corporate machine.

I realize that the Green Party does not have all of the answers. But I think that as we go to the polls in November, we MUST be aware of ALL of the candidates. There are some ideologies out there that never get a breath of mention in the media and I think that there are some ideas out there that could make America a better place for future generations.

Check out the Ten Key Values. Check out the Green Party Platform. You may like what you see…you may not. I just know that for me, I would rather watch Barney and Friends than pay attention to the political garbage going on right now.

It just feels good to not be renting anymore. It feels great to have Jaci in the house with me even though we did not plan on it until we got married. It feels amazing to come home to a garage. I love watching the kids play on the playground across the street…

I love having a backyard for Annie (my dog) to run and play in….

Hell, I just love having a back yard to do ManStuff in…

 If you are sitting in an apartment or renting a place that belongs to someone else, I just CANNOT tell you how good it feels to have a home and how INCREDIBLY easy it is right now.

I made this easy little number in the crock-pot a couple of weeks ago and I have been wanting to share it ever since. In fact, for someone who can’t cook, I am actually pretty proud of myself. I bought the ham because I thought I was going to make some sweet ham and cheese sandwiches, but one day I just decided to switch it up and teach myself how to use the crock-pot. Here is all you need:

• So all I did is this:
• Sliced up the potatoes, threw some in the bottom of the crockpot.
• Put a layer of cheese on top.
• Cubed the ham into little chunks and then threw a layer of ham on top of the cheese.
• Then I simply repeated this process so I had two layers.
• Then I poured the condensed cream soup into a big bowl, added one empty soup can full of milk, and stirred it with a fork to make it less clumpy. Then I drizzled the soup over the top of the mixture. I put the lid on the crockpot and put it on low for about 3 hours. Here is what it looked like at the beginning:

I forgot to take a picture when it was done cooking, but you know it is done when the potatoes are nice and soft. Don’t cook it too long because the cheddar cheese will burn to the side of the crock pot.

And, if you are having trouble cleaning the crockpot…Fill it with water and throw a dryer sheet or two in there and let it sit overnight. The crusted on stuff just comes off like butter the next morning.

This recipe will serve an entire family (I imagine) or if it is just you, you could eat leftovers for almost a week like I did. Very inexpensive meal that goes a long way.

Jaci said she was proud of me for my first crockpot meal. That was all the approval I needed to make a post out of it!

I saw this sign at a church that was having trouble with skateboarders. I find this ironic considering this church is the same denomination as my own, and every week we say the Lord’s Prayer containing the words

“…and forgive us our trespasses…as we forgive those who trespass against us…”

Talk about irony and so much for practicing what you preach, huh?

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Greetings, eaters of fresh produce. As spring arrives, farmers are planting little pills in the ground that will soon blossom into food. This food often takes the form of fruits and vegetables. As you grow skittish in anticipation for seasonal apple varieties, I would like to return your attention to another eat-worthy fruit: the banana. You may recall seeing a yellow, penis-shaped fruit during your most recent visit to the farmers’ market. Assuming it was not a yellow, fruit-shaped penis, it was probably a banana.

A brief history: Bananas were invented in 1762 by Benjamin Franklin (who else?). Although the shape is now standardized, the first banana more closely resembled an hourglass. Because of their wealth of vitamins, bananas were fed to Union troops during the Civil War, endowing them with superhuman strength and facilitating their defeat of the Confederate Army. Later, the public perception of the fruit took a hit when JFK was assassinated in 1963 with a banana. Today, bananas are eaten in more than ten countries worldwide.

Bananas: The Pros and Cons

Pro 1: You can litter them: In today’s eco-obsessed world, those who litter are despised on scale with those who rape babies. Throwing your banana peel on the ground, however, is not littering. It’s fertilizing. This also applies to sunflower seeds, apple cores, orange peels, and, in some states, fetuses.Con 1: They’re difficult to buy: Purchasing bananas requires great foresight. Say you are buying a week’s worth: you must then rip one banana from seven separate bunches that vary slightly in immediate ripeness. If they are underripe, they are hard and bitter. If they are overripe, they can be so soggy that you could stick a straw through the peel and drink them. Barf out.Pro 2: They possess enormous comic potential: I hope someone creates a 90-minute montage of people slipping on banana peels. It will be a shoo-in for the Best Documentary Feature Oscar. The only comic device that matches the “banana-peel slip” in reliability is the “pie in the face.” The most promising comic situation is a man in a suit slipping on a banana peel, standing up, then taking a banana-cream pie in the face. I cannot overstate this: the mere presence of a banana can defuse a tense situation. If you ever have the ill fortune of notifying someone his wife has died, eat a banana when you deliver the news. That potentially tragic situation will be endowed with lighthearted cheer. It will be like his wife never died.Con 2: The boundaries of the fruit are confusing: When peeling a banana, sometimes little fibrous strings cling to the fruit. I’m not sure if you can eat these. Until scientists conduct a full investigation, consider these stringy things poison! In fact, when closely considering the anatomy of a banana, I don’t know where the seeds are. They seem to be unnaturally self-reproductive. There is a slim chance that “bananas” are actually aliens. Again, something for the scientists.Pro 3: They’re the only fruit that’s better in its natural form than in its candy form: Remember the last time someone brought a bag of Laffy Taffy to the office? The strawberry-flavored taffy disappeared first, followed by grape, then cherry, then, reluctantly, blue raspberry. In all likelihood, the banana-flavored taffies remained for the next couple weeks until the janitor finally threw them out. Have you ever seen banana-flavored Jolly Ranchers? Starburst? Tootsie Pops? Of course not. That’s because chemical engineers can’t improve the banana. This is a rarity among fruit.Con 3: Sometimes they don’t open:

Argh! We all know the feeling when you’re about to engage in coitus, but are unable to open the wrapper of your prophylactic. Sometimes bananas are like that (exactly like that). If you can’t find a seam, you may be forced to put the end of the banana between your teeth, bite into it, and yank. This potentially bruises the fruit contained within, and you must settle for a hand job instead. (You know what I mean, although I got confused inside that metaphor.) So, regarding the pros and cons of bananas, it’s a split (pun!). If your local greengrocer has never heard of them, you may be able to find some on the black market. (You didn’t read it here.) Just wander into your nearest zoo and ask to see a monkey. Until next time, dear Ag Report Readers, keep it delicious.

Thank you Joe Holt…

This is an announcement to say that I have finally received a charity recommendation for the proceeds from my Potty Mouth Campaign. Whatever your name is from the Vax Cave submitted her request for the end of the year donation to go to The National Multiple Sclerosis Society via this fundraising website. I just wanted to thank Whatever your name is for your recommendation and for even reading my silly blog in the first place!!

In the hustle and bustle of moving into my new house, I have managed to almost completely miss the first 7 games of the regular season. March Madness going on doesn’t help either. Jaci’s bracket will win our pool (and a lot of money) if Kansas beats Memphis tomorrow night and because I filled out Jaci’s bracket for her, I have been particularly interested in the Final Four games as of late. So what has been going on with my Twinkie Dinkies??? Well, for starters, we are 3-4 to start off the season. It could be worse (i.e. Detroit Tigers) and we have had worse starts in the past so I can’t complain. I just have sort of resigned to the fact that this is probably just a rebuilding year. Our young pitching staff already looks great, and I can imagine that in 2 or 3 years we are going to have one of the best hurling staffs on the planet. However, the bats this year are a completely different story though. I think Morneau had the only home run this year so far and that was after he went 1 for 16 to start off the regular season. I was horrified to see Cuddyer dislocate his finger sliding into third base Superman style, however, I was glad to see them finally call up Denard Span from the minors to take his place. He was the Twins first round pick in ‘02 and I was very glad to see him get his chance. He is an extremely hard worker from what I have read about him in the minors. Unfortunately, he hasn’t played right field since his high school days. He is a center fielder by trade, but he has so much enthusiasm and hard work ethic that I don’t think he will have a problem making the transition. The press reported that he came out of Gardenhire’s office with bloodshot eyes and tears rolling down his face. I like that. He’s excited to be here. That’s what I like about our young roster this year.

The greatest part of my day today was watching BASEBALL TONIGHT and this season they are letting the fans vote on the week’s top “web gems.” There were 5 nominees and of those 5 nominees, the Twins defense had two spots!!! One was Nick Punto bare-handing a ball at 3rd base and he jumped up and went parallel with the ground and sort of threw it sidearm to 1st base getting the guy out. The other one was Justin Morneau at first base when he got a hard chopper whacked right at him. He bobbled it and it went clear out into foul territory. So he runs after it, grabs it and in true March Madness style he flips it backwards behind his back not even looking to see if the bag was covered by the pitcher (thank God it was) and he got the guy out.

Thank God for baseball and the start of the regular season. I am loving life right now.

Jaci and I have always lived separately throughout our relationship. We were going to try and keep it that way until we were married, however, we fell in love with a house, bought it, and our plans obviously changed. We now live under the same roof for the first time ever and we will continue to do so up until our September 20th wedding and for the rest of our lives! I got to thinking today about how big of a step we have really taken. I don’t think either of us realizes the magnitude of moving in together. It was easy for me to come up with the following list of things that I have come to discover about her by living together and of which I truly adore about her. So here goes:

1) When she is engrossed in a movie she doesn’t look at me when I come home from work and talks out of the side of her mouth.
2) She is really good about keeping the ‘fridge stocked with hot dogs for me. I go through about 12 a week on average.
3) I am pretty convinced that most of her personal problems and strife can be solved with one or two bites of either brownie or ice cream.
4) If she is half as nurturing and patient to our future children as she is to my dog, than she will be a wonderful mother.
5) She just HAS to eat breakfast. I am pretty sure that if she were to skip that particular meal her stomach would digest itself and she would have a fit of rage. I on the other hand can go an entire day without remembering to eat. But I love how she pops up every morning and makes herself breakfast
6) She undresses every night by simply dropping her clothes in a heap in front of the closet. She climbs into bed with her socks on and kicks them off in the middle of the night and they end up accumulating under the sheets in piles. I have found that I like picking up after her. It is cute and gives me something to do besides pace around.
7) She literally pulls her hair out every morning in front of the mirror and throws the hair ball in the toilet. She sheds worse than a sheep dog. Seriously, she could tie her hair together and escape from prison if the situation and necessity should ever arise. There is a medical term for this..its called “ADORABLE.”
8 ) She insists on calling the basement “The Man Cave.”
9) I have learned that it only takes finding a good deal on Craigslist for her to become ecstatic.
10) She cries way more often than I ever thought she did.
11) She doesn’t like lists that I make.
12) She loves making lists.
13) If you lined up all of the capillaries in the human body end to end and then lined up all of Jaci’s shoes end to end right next to the capillaries, I am relatively positive that the line of her shoes would extend further.
14) Her computer works way better than mine and doesn’t sound like a lawn mower.
15) When we have a rummage sale, I guarantee that just over 3 percent of the stuff on sale will be mine and 96 percent will be hers.
16) If this is growing old, I don’t wanna be young!
17) All she asks is that I put down the Swiffer mop and the bag of squirrel corn every once and awhile and just come and lay on the couch with her for 5 minutes.
18) Not only does she think that her Dyson vacuum cleaner is a great vacuum, but she may just believe it is the solution for world peace and the cure for cancer. I am waiting for her to stick it on the corner and light 4 dozen candles around it. She is CRAZY about it.
19) Finally, the thing that I have learned more about every single day now that we are under the same roof is that living with a real life angel is pretty cool. I am so glad I have her for myself because I think she was one of the last ones in stock. Having the best girlfriend and bride-to-be in the world definitely has its perks.

I first came across M.I.A.’s music about 6 months ago when I heard her on an Indy/College music station on SIRIUS. Her sound is nearly indescribable. She has an extremely mesmerizing voice and can be slightly compared to Missy Elliot’s sort of hypnotizing-monotone-cadence style of hip-hop. Her beats cover a wide spectrum of music styles including African drums, symphonic violinish melodies, hard hitting bass and electronic/experimental vibes. I guarantee you that you have never heard anything like this woman before. I am extremely picky about hip hop. In fact, next to country music I would have to say that it is my least favorite type of music. However, I was absolutely blown away by M.I.A. As some of you know, I have been moving into my new house over the course of the last two weeks. This has involved nearly 30 trips across the city of Omaha in my truck. I have had this album playing nearly the entire time. I can’t get enough of her.

M.I.A.’s real name is Mathangi Arulpragasam. She was born in Sri Lanka and grew up in that’s country’s horrible civil war. Not only is she a music artist, she is also an accomplished visual artist and designed the album art on “Kala.” Her father is/was a prominent political activist and militant in Sri Lanka. She spent a large majority of her younger years moving from home to home and country to country due to her father’s activities and the constant threat to his family’s safety and well-being. M.I.A.’s upbringing is really evident in her lyrics and music and (for me, at least) when one listens to her they develop such a strong respect and deep empathy for her. The album is very uplifting and poetic and touches on many issues such as self-identity, poverty, war, class struggles, refugees, cultural maintenance, censorship, immigration, prejudice, anti-War On Terror, violence, day-to-day survival and working to build bridges (metaphorically speaking) between developed nations and developing nations. Her music makes me feel cultured and smart. It makes me want to get up and be active and stand up for the voiceless. It makes me want world peace even more than I already do. It makes me want to start a revolution for revolution’s sake.

This is more than just hip hop or music. This is art. This is emotion. I sound like a damn hippie, but seriously this is an amazing album. I hope that I am blessed to see M.I.A. in concert one day. I hope that she continues to make music. Buy this album and I give you my personal guarantee that you will not be disappointed. If you don’t trust my guarantee then trust this: If you know anything about hip hop then you know that anything that Timbaland get his hands on or has a hand in producing pretty much turns into gold. Trust me, this one is golden.